Eat Ass Chocolate + Moaning Sex Noises Card + I Thought You Could Use Some Dick Gummies

This Ain’t Your Grandma’s Birthday Card (Unless She’s Freaky)

You want to give the funniest, dirtiest, most what-the-fuck birthday gift of the year? Congrats - you found it. This isn’t just one prank. This is a full-blown threesome of chaos wrapped in a discreet little package that moans, melts, and mildly traumatizes. Meet the Eat Ass Chocolate + Moaning Sex Noises Card + Dick Gummies Gift Bundle - the triple-threat adult gag gift guaranteed to leave them laughing, blushing, and wondering what the hell is wrong with you (and maybe themselves).

Why Settle For a Normal Birthday Gift When You Can Scar Someone (Lovingly) For Life?

Birthdays are supposed to be memorable, right? So screw the boring bottle of wine or another “Live Laugh Love” card. This unholy trifecta of gag gifts is the ultimate birthday surprise that sounds like porn, tastes like ass (literally), and includes a dick-shaped candy party.

This is for your friend who’s got a dirty mind and a good sense of humor. Or your ex who said they wanted to stay friends. Or your weirdly open cousin who brings sex toys to family game night. Basically - this is the birthday gag gift bundle for the kind of person who laughs at fart jokes and probably has a vibrator named after a Marvel character.

The Setup: A Gift They’ll Never Forget (Or Fully Recover From)

Picture this: They get a plain envelope in the mail. Totally anonymous. They open it. First, they’re greeted by a birthday card. Seems normal... until they crack it open and it starts moaning like it’s starring in a badly dubbed porno. Loud. Juicy. Fully committed.

Now they’re confused. Maybe slightly turned on. Definitely disturbed. But wait - there’s more.

Next up, a lovely pack of gummy dicks. Because nothing says “Happy Birthday, slut” quite like a bag of rainbow-colored wiener snacks. They’re sweet, chewy, and shaped just offensively enough to make your grandma cry.

But the true cherry on top? Solid chocolate buttholes stamped with “EAT ASS.” Yep. Artisan-crafted, cocoa-powered booty treats that are equal parts delicious and disgraceful.

What’s Inside This Glorious Disaster:

• Eat Ass Chocolate
  Solid chocolate buttholes made to be both provocative and delicious. You’re welcome.

• Moaning Sex Noises Greeting Card
  Open it and it screams like two people banging in a back alley behind a club called “The Moist Lounge.” Battery included. Shame not included.

• Dick Gummies
  Comes with a label that says “I Thought You Could Use Some Dick.” You know... for clarity.

• Discreet Shipping
  No logos. No warnings. Just anonymous chaos showing up like a horny ninja in their mailbox.

Who’s This For?

• That friend who needs therapy but wants candy instead

• The bachelorette who already owns five penis straws

• Your partner who laughs at poop jokes and moans during TikTok trends

• Yourself. Because self-love means ordering chocolate buttholes

• Basically, anyone who wouldn’t immediately block you after receiving this

Stop Sending Lame Cards. Start Sending Loud, Lewd, Legendary Gifts.

You’re not just sending a funny birthday bundle. You’re sending an experience. A moaning, chocolate-eating, dick-gummy-chewing experience that they’ll never forget... no matter how hard they try.

So if you’re looking for the perfect naughty birthday surprise, a moaning sex noises card, or the kind of gift that makes the mailman raise an eyebrow, this is it.

Click “Add to Cart.” Send anonymously. Then sit back, relax, and wait for the confused, horny thank-you text.

Do it now. Because birthdays are temporary, but trauma is forever.

IMPORTANT: Make sure you put the recipient's name and address in the shipping option. Otherwise it's you that ends up with the bag of dicks, albeit deservedly. 

**Recipient and purchaser must be 18 years of age or older**

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