Happy Birthday D**khead!

You said “Happy Birthday” like a normal person? Weak. This card moans for three hours straight and explodes in glitter.

So your friend’s birthday is coming up, and you're wondering what to get the lovable douchebag who once pantsed you in public, ruined your group chat, or still owes you $20 from Vegas. Sure, you could get him socks... but where’s the chaos in that?

Enter: The Happy Birthday Dkhead Card** - a nonstop moaning, glitter-sploding, nuisance-level prank wrapped in fake birthday cheer and sealed with vengeance.

This isn't a birthday card. It's a tactical strike on peace and quiet.

Why You Need to Send This to Your Favorite Jackass

Look, the internet is full of lame birthday cards. Cats. Balloons. “Over the hill” jokes. Yawn.

But this isn’t your grandma’s Hallmark. This is DicksByMail’s dickhead birthday card, and it’s here to absolutely wreck someone’s day in the most beautiful, over-the-top, immature way possible.

If your love language is sarcasm and emotional terrorism - this is your moment.

Real Story: It Started With a Moan. Ended With a Glitter Funeral.

One poor bastard got this card in the mail, opened it in front of friends, and BAM - the thing started moaning like a porno on max volume. He panicked, tried to rip it open... and glitter. Everywhere.

Inside his drink. In his ears. Weeks later, still found it in his taint.

That’s when he knew he’d been hit with the Happy Birthday Dickhead card. His friends cried laughing. He’s still mad. It was perfect.

What’s in the Box? (Pain. But Also These Features.)

• Nonstop Moaning Sounds
  Open the card and get blasted with ear-shattering sex noises. Not for 5 seconds. Not for 30. But for up to three f*cking hours. Pure auditory warfare.

• Glitter Bomb Surprise
  Think you’ll just rip it apart and make it stop? Bad move. That triggers the hidden glitter bomb. Boom. Ruined clothes. Ruined floor. Ruined life.

• Bold AF Message
  Front says it all: “Happy Birthday Dkhead!**” Because subtlety is for cowards.

• Quality Cardstock
  Printed on fancy 14 pt paper, because if you’re gonna be rude, be classy about it.

• Ships 100% Anonymously
  We’ll never tell. But you will - because you’re gonna want to take credit for this masterpiece.

Still Debating? Let Me Help.

Do you love your friends?
Send this card.

Do you hate your friends?
Send this card.

Do you just want to watch the world burn?
Send. This. Card.

Whether it’s your bestie, your frenemy, your sibling, or your ex who invited you to their party out of obligation, this is the only birthday card prank that guarantees screaming, confusion, and sparkly regret.

What to Do Next (AKA How to Destroy Their Day in 3 Easy Steps)

1. Click ADD to CART

2. Ship this moaning glitter grenade to your victim of choice.

3. Laugh until you cry.

Because nothing says Happy Birthday Dickhead quite like a sexually confused birthday card that explodes when you fight back.

Go ahead. Send chaos. You know you want to.

IMPORTANT: Make sure you put the recipient's name and address in the shipping option. Otherwise it's you that ends up with the bag of dicks, albeit deservedly. 

**Recipient and purchaser must be 18 years of age or older**

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